


Empty Bottles, Empty Beds

by daisybrien



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Character Death, M/M, Multi, Other, Polyamory, i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-16
Updated: 2014-10-16
Packaged: 2018-02-21 11:18:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2466335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisybrien/pseuds/daisybrien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some deal with loss better than others. (Erwin Smith/Levi centric)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Empty Bottles, Empty Beds

The first thing Levi does when he makes it back into the Walls is lock himself in his office.

Erwin finds him there, the room dark, Levi’s head bowed low over the wooden desk. Paperwork lies forgotten on the ground, stray notes floating across the floor as he opens the door. Levi sits in his tattered uniform, slouched and defeated. He slides a glass of vine back and forth across the wood, the dark liquid splashing around in its container.

Something dangles loosely off Levi’s wrist, glinting in the soft light from the hall as he knocks back another glass of booze. He spots Erwin in the doorway, averting his eyes as he slides the something off his arm, lifting his arm out to give it away.

“Take it,” Levi grunts, his voice low and lifeless. “I don’t want it.”

Erwin reaches out to take it from Levi’s grasp, feeling cold glass against his palm. He holds Hange’s goggles in his hand, the left lens shattered to pieces, blood staining the headband.

Erwin stomach plummets, a painful knot forming in his throat. “Levi,” he chokes out, “what happened to them?”

Levi turns away from him, his back facing the door. He sinks lower in his seat, pouring more booze into his cup. He doesn’t give a reply.

He doesn’t need to.

Erwin leans against the desk, sliding to the floor against the desk leg. He leans up to take the bottle of vine, taking a large swig. It burns as it travels down his throat, leaving his eyes watering and his stomach on fire.

The two of them spend the night passing the bottle back and forth like a game of hot potato, ignoring the glass on the table and drinking straight from the bottle. Erwin watches the world blur at the edges, the twisting in his stomach numbing with the alcohol. Erwin raises the almost empty bottle above his head, urging Levi to do the same with the glass, the two men slurring their words as they toast their lost friend.

#

Erwin spends the next few days in a lethargic state, his head throbbing and his chest feeling as though it were ready to collapse. Although his mind isn’t quite there, he goes through the motions of everyday life, filling out paperwork, filling the empty spaces in each squad to cope with their losses, and drinking in between. His heart constricts when he’s forced to give out Hange’s room to a new soldier-not like they usually slept there, anyway-appointing new veterans to run the research team alongside Moblit’s squad. However, his mind comes back to him by the week’s end, the twisting in his chest becoming a simple, dull ache, and soon recovers from the urge to reach for the liquor cabinet when he spots Hange’s mangled goggles in his desk drawer.

Levi, however, does not.

Empty bottles of vine pile up in one corner of his room, the only spot of clutter in its otherwise impeccable order. Erwin notices him slacking off in his duties. He shows up late to training, his paperwork filed days after its due if handed in at all. He snaps at others with the slightest provocation, and soldiers pass his office on tiptoe, afraid that any noise could set him off. If anyone sees him outside his room, he’s often scrubbing at something, his hands cracked and dry from the soap and water.

It’s rare for him to crawl into bed on his own volition anymore. Most nights, Erwin finds him slouched over cleaning supplies, his eyes bloodshot and his movements labored, and Erwin has to drag him away from his task and into bed.

When Erwin does feel slender arms snake around his waist at night, feels cold lips tracing the tendons in his neck, it comes with the mixed aroma of booze and bleach.

Erwin tries to ignore the scent the first few days, arms reaching out to find Levi under the sheets. They toss one of the pillows to the ground, leaving just one for each of them. It is an awful and useless attempt to forget, but Levi thinks it lets them get closer to each other. Erwin thinks it makes the empty space in bed just a little bit bigger

#

Drinking and cleaning. It’s a vicious cycle that continues like night and day.

Levi wakes up in the mornings with a hangover, his eyes bloodshot and a pounding in his head. He can barely run through his usual routines, his work ethic drowning in his drunken stupor, every task involving just a bit more booze to get him through. The only time he’s completely sober is at night, the sound of him scrubbing the floor permeating the midnight silence.

For a few nights, Erwin gives up trying to get him to sleep, letting him clean until morning light shines through the barrack windows. He lies in bed by himself, pulling Hange’s pillow back onto the mattress, using it to combat the growing emptiness of the bed.

It is one of the few things the two men have left of them, being that most of their clothes were given away or burned. The twisting in his chest returns when he looks at it, bringing memories of their smile, their drunken laughter, the scar tracing the curve of their hip. They ‘re good memories, ones that have helped him through the most brutal days of his work.

Despite the pang in his ribcage when the memories come, they still help him through the loss.

#

It’s been more than a fortnight when Erwin decides that it’s gotten out of control.

He forces his way into Levi’s room, still impeccably clean despite the growing number of liquor bottles in the wastebasket. The room is dim and stuffy, the air thick and hot. Levi heaves his head up to look at Erwin, a pen hanging loosely from his fist, a liquor glass and a pile of documents side by side in the corner of his desk.

“What do you want?” Levi grunts.

Erwin stands there at a loss for words, taking in Levi’s appearance. Stubble trails his jawline, the bags under his eyes darker than ever. He seems to sink into the chair, as if his shoulders are under pressure. The ache in Erwin’s chest blooms as a massive tug at his ribcage, struggling to find the proper words to say.

“You’re going to kill yourself like this,” he stutters out, watching Levi’s face twist in annoyance.

“I’m fucking fine,” Levi snarls out, turning back to his desk. “I can hold my liquor better than you.”

“And the fact that you’re still blind drunk every other day shows how far this has gone,” Erwin snaps back. “Do you think that drinking like this is going to help you?”

“Can you just leave me the fuck alone?”

“And let you destroy yourself?” Erwin almost yells out his response. “Absolutely not.”

“I can take care of myself,” Levi snaps.

“Do you think Hange would want to see you do this to yourself?”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Levi slams his fists against the desk, a few papers floating to the ground. He gets up violently, his seat toppling backwards and crashing to the floor. Levi glares at Erwin from his side of the room, his voice low and severe. “Do not bring them into this.”

The tugging in Erwin’s chest grows stronger, the ache sprawling up into his throat and twisting his stomach in knots. Despite the outburst, Erwin stands his ground. “You can’t cope with their death like this, Levi.”

“Really?” Levi starts, his face contorting into a gross snarl, one hand shooting out to steady him against the desk. “That’s rich, coming from you. You just go on your merry way every time someone dies, don’t you? You can just walk around, sending people to their deaths and act like nothing happened. Well, you know what? Not everyone can turn away like you can. Sometimes we need a little help to get by in this fucking hellhole.”

Anger bubbles in the pit of Erwin stomach. “You think you’re the only one who is mourning over Hange? I’m mourning just as much as you!”

“No you’re fucking not!” Levi shouts, his arms gesticulating as he rants. “You weren’t the one who had to get them from the tree! You weren’t the one who had to carry their mangled body back! You didn’t see the ways their bones stuck out of their skin! You didn’t have their blood on your hands!”

“Yes I did!” Erwin exclaims. He moves forward, grabbing Levi by the shoulders. Anguish and frustration threaten to tear his ribs apart. “I still do! I have the blood of hundreds on my hands! I’m the one who sends them to their death every time we leave these damn walls!

“But guess what,” Erwin continues quietly, watching Levi’s shoulders heave and fists clench. “I don’t sit here drunk off my ass while I let all of those soldiers die in vain. I work harder. I fight harder for Humanity. We put our lives on the line to fight for the future of the human race. Hange put their health and well being on the line in order to succeed. It’s our job to make sure that work wasn’t done in vain.”

“Goddamn it,” Levi falls forward, taking fistfuls of Erwin’s shirt, words spilling out of his mouth like a waterfall. “I can’t walk anywhere in this goddamn place without seeing them somewhere, I can’t do anything without it reminding me of them, everywhere I look I see their face, I can’t do anything without being reminded that they’re dead…”

He leans his head against Erwin’s chest, a horrible choking sound escaping his throat. Erwin falls with him as he sinks to his knees, placing a hand on his shaking shoulders and a kiss to the nape of his neck.

“I’m sorry,” Levi whispers, repeating the words between sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t try to erase them from our lives, Levi,” Erwin murmurs, wrapping his arms around Levi. “Think about all the amazing things they have done for us. Think of how they’ve changed our life for the better. We can’t forget their work and sacrifices for Humanity.”

Levi nods weakly, the top of his head resting against Erwin’s collarbone. They help each other off the floor, steadying themselves on their feet. Levi takes to organizing the mess of papers and glass bottles in his room, promising to get his papers to Erwin’s office on time in his usual stoic voice.

This time, Erwin believes him.

#

That night, Levi’s presence in bed doesn’t bring the tang of cleaning products and vine. He carries the soft scent of soap and sweat, Erwin tasting mint as their lips bump against each other. It’s the scent Erwin recognizes from before, from a time when Hange would still be there to stumble into the room in the dead of night, ranting about their research and theories. It’s a smell Erwin is familiar with, bringing him comfort when he feels Levi’s strong arms wrap around his torso.

The two men envelope each other in an embrace, their heads sharing one pillow -Hange’s pillow- as limbs twist around each other in order to get closer. It’s an amazing feat when Levi closes his eyes, his breathing slow and even, his usual scowl dissolving into an expression of peace for the first time in weeks.

With the image of Levi sleeping beside him and the memory of Hange’s smile, Erwin is finally able to sleep peacefully as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Yet again, an older thing from tumblr. This was for Erurihan week about a month ago, when I didn't have this account. So here it is. Enjoy.


End file.
